What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
What do you call a guy who loves to eat out a hoe's pussy?
Answer: a Carnivwhore.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?
From the mace.
A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”
The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”
Help! I got my brother pregnant.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
If you've spent less time inside your mother than your father has, you just might be from Alabama!
