Relationship jokes
My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.
I actually want peace, not war.
That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.
I like my women like I like my scotch:
12 years old and mixed with coke.
Palestinians leave without saying goodbye.
Israel says goodbye when the Americans say so.
Once you've had the mother,
Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.
Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.
I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
Women should be seen and not heard.
But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?
I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.
The best part? She don't talk back.
I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.
I called her the Fallen Angel.
"Your pussy is sweeter than Mom's," Brother admired his sister.
"I know," replied Sister. "Father told me too."
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?
One is a tool. The other is your mom.
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?
When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.