Put jokes

You're so skinny that if I were to put you on a flagpole, you would wave in the wind.

Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.

What happens when you put a baby in a blender?

The baby is a cherry smoothie.

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Women are like marshmallows because they are white, squashy, and we put our sticks inside you.

Your mama so fat, when she put a leg in the car, the wheels deflated.

I put the D in Children.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

How do you put "blonde" and "duh" in the same sentence? Just say, "Blondes are dumb."

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

Like a shooter says, "I put the fun in funeral!"

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face...

I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.

Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?

They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.

Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”

Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

Adam and Eve were sitting on the beach one day, and Eve says to Adam, "Let's go for a swim." Adam replies, "I'm not in the mood."

She says, "Okay, I will go by myself." She puts her toes in the water and splashes around and says, "The water is beautiful, come in!" Adam replies, "Na, still not in the mood."

Eve wades into the water until she gets to her waist. Adam jumps up and yells at Eve standing waist deep and says, "Oh no, now all the fish are gonna smell like that!"

Why are people mad at me? All I did was tell the truth and put the Bible in the fiction section of the library.

If you put your foot in a pond, your foot will get wet.

No joke, I just wasted about 5 or 6 seconds of your life.