Put jokes
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.
Why did the grandmother put wheels on her rocking chair?
... she likes to rock and roll lol.
How do you make Alabama cookies?
Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
Man 1: You look like Scott Cawthon.
Man 2: I'm gonna put your dick in a Coffin!
Man 3: Me first!
Yo mama so fat when she asked for a bathtub, they put a blanket over an ocean!
You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.
I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
Stephen Hawking said God isn’t real, and the Priest put a boot on his tire. 😂😂😂
Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in their wheelchair.
Man: Could you hold this for me?
Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*
Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!
I heard they're making a film about Jimmy Savile, it's a very touchy subject.
I heard the film about is so boring it puts you to sleep.
Yo' mama is so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for her gumball.
Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.
The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"
Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.
I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.
How to make holy water:
1. Grab a pot.
2. Put water in it.
3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.
4. Boil the hell out of it.