Put jokes
I heard they're making a film about Jimmy Savile, it's a very touchy subject.
I heard the film about is so boring it puts you to sleep.
Yo' mama is so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for her gumball.
Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.
The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"
Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.
I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.
How to make holy water:
1. Grab a pot.
2. Put water in it.
3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.
4. Boil the hell out of it.
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? An extraction.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
You take four, then you put a "n" at the end, then you take the "u" out, then you replace the "f" with a "p". What do you get?
My wife went to make a cake. The recipe said, "Separate two eggs," so she put one egg in the living room.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!