Put-on jokes
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.
I told her to keep her chins up.
Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.
Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet
Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy)
Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle)
Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ? A: David!
Q: If you were in a rainforest, what would be the first thing you put on? A: The radio!
Did you know the giraffe’s hooves are the size of dinner plates? Too bad they would have nothing to put on them!
When we told Twin Towers to put on airplane mode, we didn't mean a real airplane.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
I put on the wrong socks this morning.
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
Y'all are so rude on here. If you don't like what I put on MY profile, you can click your rude ass off of my profile and look at some other fucking jokes. DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING RUDE TO SAY ABOUT ME!
Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."
I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.
According to the Police report, what did one traffic signal say to the other?
"Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light..."
You're so ugly that they faked a whole pandemic just so you can put on a mask to cover that ugly-ass face.
What's a dumbfuck's favorite condiment to put on his burger?
Re-tarter sauce.
What do you put on a cheeseburger? It's a wrap!
In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.
Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.
I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.
Fat jokes and mom jokes😂
1. So fat when she sat on the toilet, she said, "A B C D E F G, get your fat ass off me."
2. So fat, your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss. He’d have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up.
3. Yo mama so fat that when she went to Japan in a green bikini, they all started yelling, "Godzilla, Godzilla."
4. Your mama’s so fat when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!
5. Bill was so fat when he stepped on the scale, it said "to be continued."
6. Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"
Why was the American kid late to school?
Because he was too busy putting on his bulletproof vest.