Puns

Spell IHOP, then say "ness."

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

What time should you go to bed when it's bedtime?

We went running on our camping trip. It was past tents.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

Knock knock! Who's there? King Tut! King Tut who? King Tutty Fried Chicken!

I wanted to visit my pet fish, but it was hard to sea it through the darkness.

What did the salad say to pineapple?

"Lettuce be friends."

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"

I got 39,300,000 matches.

Wanna hear a pizza joke?

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

What do you call a broken chicken?

A broken chicken.

So I was walking.

If there was a girl and a boy and the boy fell, what did the boy do to the girl?

He fell for her.

Why did the credit card go to jail?

'Cuz it was guilty as charged!

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"