How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
I took a bite of my lunch. “Is that a sand witch!!!”
How may times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh Ten-tickles!
What do you call a wild cow in a shop with old things?
A bull in a china shop.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
Because he got hit by a bus!
my brother cant wait for spring... he wet his plants!
i told my friend to watch naruto, it's been a week since i've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece
I have a lot of eggculaint egg puns, get the yolk... oh come on don’t be hard boiled
Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relived. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. Nitrogen! The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good nigh-“
During WWI and WWII the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches, I bet they really dig that weapon
I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.
He one day said his business was “remarkable.”
What do skeletons say before they eat? Bone Apetit ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
What pants do you wear to church.. HOLE-Y ONESS
Josh:tell me something funny Mark:my life
so I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer. Now I don't know what they were laced with but I was trippin all day.
Flat Earthers
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
A swan, a goose and a penguin walked into a bar... I DUCKed.
I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it
