What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
I got banned from the library for putting a book about woman's rights in the fantasy section.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."
Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
What’s the hardest thing about being a rapist? Fitting in.
Why did the picture go to jail?
Cause it was framed!
Why do pedophiles never win a race?
Because they are always coming in a little behind.
When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.
I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.
I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."
But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.
