My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
What's the smartest crime?
3rd degree murder.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Not done yet.
Now they are.
In some places in the world, you can't get an abortion even after rape. That's so fucked up.
You serve your time, you get out, and you STILL have to pay child support. What a nightmare.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
You are getting Cole for Christmas, you shit fuckers.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I kicked a ball into someone. Now I got a red card.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈
What's a child abuser's favorite song?
"Just Beat It!"
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? He was feeling a little Randy.
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
The Good Old Days.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
