Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."
Why did the bum get a slap?
Because it was being too cheeky.
Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.
She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.
How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
Why do orphans bully people?
Because they can't get suspended.
Contact Parent _______
Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.
The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."
Friends: comments give reason.
Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."
Day later:
Mom: Let me see your TikTok.
Me: Shows her the video.
Mom: calls suicide.
JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"
After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?
My dick.
