Profession jokes
An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."
Are you getting the funnies?
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
I don't know?!?
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?
The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.
Why did the accountant fall off his bicycle?
Because he lost his balance!
What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
3.14% of sailors are pirates.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
I told a chemist a joke.
No reaction.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.