Profession jokes
Why do people always tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
What is a bus driver that does not work? A useless one!
What is better for bus drivers? A. Magic school bus 🚌
Why are fire trucks big?
To hang out with the firefighters!
"I like planes."
- Plane Guy
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
What's the difference between a Doberman Pinscher and a Social Worker?
Eventually, you can get a baby back from a Doberman Pinscher.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What are clowns good at?
What do you call an expert fisherman? A "MASTER-BAITER".
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.
I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.
... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass?
An Investigator.
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.
I’m a clown...
And everyone knows.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.