Pregnant jokes
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
Mom, I’m pregnant.
Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A Kinder Surprise.
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."
One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?
Ohhh, an owner.
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
Why couldn’t the dwarf husband make his wife pregnant?
Because of his short cummings.
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?
One you can unscrew.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?