What hood do zombies come from?
Dead Ends.
What is Michael Jordan's favorite coffee place? Dunkin' Donuts.
Have you heard about the smart traveler? He's clearly going places.
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?
'Cause it's a place to eat.
What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?
Wendy's?
I still don't know what's the worst, most dangerous place to take your children on holiday, but, for certain, it's either Vatican City or Neverland Ranch.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite place to visit?
"Hee-Heegypt!"
Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.
Why was Helen Keller truly an inspiration?
She learned how to read and write despite being from Alabama!
Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.
On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."
So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.
Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:
TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."
Smart kid!
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
Ukraine (🇺🇦) vs Russia (🇷🇺), place your bets!
