What do you call a swearing piece of shit?
Cus-turd.
What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."
A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.
The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"
The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
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What do you say to Stephen Hawking when he dies?
"Rust in pieces!"
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
What happened when the gun dealer found his pistol in his shoe?
He found that he had a piece in his sole!
I was going to make a joke about a piece of paper.
It's just too tear-able.
Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.
When I'm sad, I cut myself...A PIECE OF CAKE!
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
