Pet jokes
what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.
I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.
Like if your best friend has a dog.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
Two men are walking down the street, and see a dog licking its balls. One man says I wish I could do that. The other one says you can probably just pet him
How does the bunny keep his fur neat?
With a hare brush.
What is the one thing wrong with Asian pet stores?...
There is always a kitchen in the back.
What do you do when your cat's not home?
Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Where do you find a dog with no arms or legs?
Where you left it.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"