Pet jokes
Where do you find a dog with no arms or legs?
Where you left it.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.
Why do white people own a lot of pets?
Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...
Onions was a good dog.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.