Pet

Pet Jokes

Cat

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

Syndrome

I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

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  • Cow

    What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!

    What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.

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  • Cat

    I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

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  • Onion

    I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

    Onions was such a good dog.

    Fish

    My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

    Dog

    Mom: I'm getting you a dog!

    Me: OMG REALLY?!

    Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?

    Me:...

    Me: Bitch, please.

    Cat

    If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

    On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

    Dog

    What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

    Dog

    I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...

    Onions was a good dog.

    Cat

    Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

    Dog

    Why was the dog stealing shingles?

    He wanted to be a woofer.

    Dog

    My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

    "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

    Onion

    I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

    Onions was such a good dog!

    Leash

    I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

    Octopus

    A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

    Cat

    How do you make a cat go "woof"?

    ... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

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  • Hamster

    What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

    Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.