If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
I had a horse named Mayo, and sometimes Mayonnaise.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.
Onions was such a good dog!
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...
Onions was a good dog.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
