Pet jokes
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
I had a horse named Mayo, and sometimes Mayonnaise.
I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...
Onions was a good dog.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.
Onions was such a good dog!
I have a dog named Syndrome.
But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨