Pet jokes
God creates dog.
God: "You are man's best friend."
Dog: "That's pretty sexist."
God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"
Dog: "....."
God: "And chocolate kills you!"
Dog: "🐶"
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."
Like if you like dogs. Dislike if you like cats. Other animal? Tell me in the comments!
I cried when my dad cut onions.
Onions was a good dog.
Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.
Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.
Why can’t an orphan have a dog? It always runs away.
I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.
Why did the dog walk out at night?
To scare his people!
What is a dog that is Christmas?
A Christmas tree dog!
About a dog.
My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.
So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."
My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"
I said, "Literally."
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck its dick.
I was at school one day, and my teacher gave me homework. Once I got home, I did not do my homework, but I watched TV. After the movie, I finally went to go do my homework. I was almost done with my homework when I got to the last question. I didn't know the answer, so I asked the closest living being to me, which was my dog, and I asked him: what's two minus two? He said nothing.
What do you call a rabbit who is really cool?
How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?
Your dog's gone.
Your finances are done.
And your floaties.
I named my dog Chicken.
I love eating chicken.
A day in the life of a Biden voter.
$2000 stimulus check? Nah, $1400...some day.
No more kids in cages? Nah, more kids in cages.
$15 minimum wage? Nah, $11. Maybe.
50k loan forgiveness? Nah. Lol.
No more deportations? Nah, they're still leaving.
Women's rights? Nah, dudes in women's sports.
New COVID bill? Nah, mostly bailouts and pet projects.
Cheap insulin? Nah, jack those prices up.
Defeat fascism? Nah, barbed wire fences around DC.
Why do white people colonize everything?
To steal a culture for themselves, something other than fornicating with anything that moves including their own children and pets, which they already do.