Pet jokes
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
When I place a Amazon prime order
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call it. It ain't coming.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Wacko Jacko bleached his skin, lit his head on fire, slept in a chamber, abused his pet monkey, built an amusement park in his own backyard, had toys as decor for his home, slept with little boys, raped little boys. Jacko was Florida Man before Florida Man.
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.