Person jokes
Person 1: "Hey, I created a new word!"
Person 2: "What is it?"
Person 1: "Plagiarism!"
Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily. You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks. Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world? (Ah-ah-ah-ah) And good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself. I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped. Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.
Well, good for you, I guess you're gettin' everything you want (ah). You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off (ah). It's like we never even happened. Baby, what the fuck is up with that? (Ha) And good for you, it's like you never even met me. Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you. You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.
Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Maybe I'm too emotional Your apathy is like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. Like a damn sociopath. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.
Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.
Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.
Tyson?
Tell someone to say "alpha" and then "kenny one". Tell them to say it very fast. Tell them it sounded like they said, "I'll fuck anyone!"
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
Ever absorb Griffin?
Brady Quinn!!
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
What do you call a flat-chested emo?
A cutting board.
You’re the type of person who would pee before a shower.
What do you call someone that no one loves?
An orphan.
What do you call it when you light a person in a wheelchair on fire?
Cooking the vegetables.
What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!
Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.
Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels.
Tell an old person to pretend [they are] shaking salt in their mouth... you'll see!
What is a self-harm person's favorite game?
Fruit Ninja.
I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.
What do you call a black person eating chicken, watermelon, and drinking Kool-Aid?
Reality.
What do you call a fat person in a wheelchair?
A broken wheelchair.
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.