People jokes
Why are people mad at me? All I did was tell the truth and put the Bible in the fiction section of the library.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
Why are midgets short?
'Cause they are!
How many fat people are in my house?
20, counting the kids in the basement.
I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.
He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Fat people: Do I look beautiful when I eat a pack of chicken?
Me: Yes, you look like a bunch of boulders crashing into each other.
Fat: Dang...
Me: Shut up, Jon Brower Minnoch.
Is it just me, or do these gays need to leave me alone?
I’m autistic, and I don’t approve of you guys making fun of the 75,000,000 other people.
My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
Why do people watch hentai?
Because they are as fake as pornstars are.
There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.
The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"
"Chris, I just saw five fat people, and you are one of them."
Ya gotta hand it to short people...
People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
I saw two deaf people talking shit about me in sign language.
So I turned off the lights.
Why do people love dating orphans?
Because they're always home alone.
Why are disabled people screwed?
Because you can't run or hide!