What mountain do people like to race on?
Mount Rushmore.
Get it?
There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.
Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?
To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.
People named Aaron are annoying. Why have two A’s when you can have none? (Ron)
People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."
I know it's really, really, really, really bad.
Where do depressed people go to eat?
Suicide Sonic.
Depression jokes are wrong, stop making them; they're cruel and nasty. So stop; people are feeling like they're hated when they read your orphan jokes or depression jokes, so PLEASE stop.
It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.
To everyone saying, "Don't joke about suicide, it's not even funny to laugh about people dying." Do you think we have it easy? Have you ever thought these jokes were helping us to cope? Mind your own business and don't make assumptions on people you know nothing about, please and thanks.
So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?
A sex-a-phone.
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
