Patient jokes
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks, "So you don't miss fried chicken?"
Why did the doctor turn the orphan down?
Because he is a family doctor.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
The doctor says, "Next, please."
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"
Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
You reload and keep shooting.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?