Patient jokes

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

Doc: Can I help you?

Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.

Doc: When did it begin?

Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).

Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...

Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.

Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?

Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.

So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?

One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

DARK ALERT********

A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.

DARK ALERT********

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................