Patient jokes

A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”

The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."

People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.

What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Will I survive?

Doctor: Probably not.

Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.

Here [are] some questions firesharky:

1. What color hair do u have?

2. What[s] MY parents['] names? What hospital [were] u born in?

3. What state [were] u born in?

Do not say I don't know.

Welcome to youtube.com.

Where we treat our patients nicely.

Hi.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?

One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.

Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?

He'll have you in "Stitches"!

Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?

Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.

Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.

Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍

It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!

A Make-A-Wish patient wanted to see Black Panther IRL, so I pulled his plug.