Patient jokes
Why does the nurse need a red pen?
In case she has to draw blood.
My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."
I shot her, now we wait.
You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.
Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.
But the cancer patients aren't.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.
Thank you, nurse!
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
What's an asthma patient’s least favorite vegetable?
An arti-“choke”!
Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
The doctor gave his patient 1 day of life, so he shot him. Then the judge gave him 15 years, so there you go, problem solved.
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.
Why?
They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.
I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital.
Just to test their patients.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.