Parent jokes

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.

Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.

When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

If you're ever bored, kick an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

What's white, red, and screams a lot?

A baby in a blender.

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.