Parent jokes

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

What's the hardest part of riding a scooter?

Telling your parents you are gay.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.

Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.

When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.