Overeating jokes
My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.
What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.
The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."
"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."
"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."
Stop complaining. Pedophile jokes are pretty funny, but to say there are over 100 of them only to have repeats of the same joke told by different people is very disappointing.
There was a man. He came home with his friends from the bar and man was he ever wasted! Their friends made sure to get him home safely. The next morning, he woke up and found blood all over his nightstand. He called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:
Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.
Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?
Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.
What's blue, red, and white and dead all over?
Trump's dead Russian mates.
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's just been raped.
Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!
It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.
We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.
Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.
We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"
Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?
Sanity to live: I don't know?
Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!
Sanity to live? *dies*
Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.
Sanity to live: *resurrected*
Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...
(sponsored by jumping bridges)
Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.
So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.
This didn't actually happen.
My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.
I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"
How many gay guys can you fit on a bar stool? Four, just flip it over.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!
"I think my baby is so similar to me!"
"True, but the most important thing is that he is healthy!"
Denki: Did you just... fall over?
Bakugo: Tch, no, I attacked the floor.
Sero: Backwards?
Bakugo: I'm talented.