Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.
The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."
Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?
He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
Damn, I love being a sniper.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
