Outing jokes

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

How many times can 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]