Outing jokes

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.

The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”

As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?

A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!

I tried out some puns to make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.

Most women are like the Twin Towers.

It's all fun and good when guys fly through them, but once the little people come jumping off them, it becomes sad and awful.

You're so fat,

when you stepped on the scale,

Buzz Lightyear came out and said,

"To infinity and beyond!"

Yo mama so fat, she could fly a hot air balloon by letting out her gas.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

What’s the difference between a leaf and an emo kid falling out of a tree? The leaf reaches the ground.

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

An emo and a leaf fall out of a tree. Which hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

READ THIS OUT LOUD:

This is this cat.

This is is cat.

This is how cat.

This is to cat.

This is keep cat.

This is an cat.

This is idiot cat.

This is a busy cat.

This is for cat.

This is forty cat this is seconds cat.

NOW- go back and read the third word from each line from the start.

Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

A prisoner dug out of prison. He appeared in a playground. He said, "I'm free, I'm free!" A kid said, "So what? I'm four."

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on a dollar, four quarters pop out.

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!