Outing jokes

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

"Imagine being an orphan, could never be me," I say. For some reason, everyone started crying, then I walked out of Dave's orphanage.

Bring out your weapons, people.

It's bullying time.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.

Kid me: I lost my stick.

Teacher: No, you didn’t.

Kid me: How do you know that?

Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both eat plastic. (I'm sorry to the lesbians out there; this is a joke, not real.)

Why do cheetahs have spots outside of their bodies?

Because they don't have them on the inside.

How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."

Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?

He woke up and found out it was true.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.

What does a gun and gum have in common?

When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...

All of the bristles fell out!

Your hairline is so far back that I can't even back out of my car.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.