Otherness jokes
People always ask what the secret of our family's happiness is. It is simple really.
1. Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week.
2. We all give each other a hand when needed.
Last but not least, we play Twister.
One day a computer said to another computer, "Why are you so dumb?"
The other computer replied, "Because I have low memory."
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
6 looks like someone facing up.
9 looks like someone facing down.
69 looks like 2 people sucking each other's dicks.
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
What did one mountain say to the other? Nice to peak you!
Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).
As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.
Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.
He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"
Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.
"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.
Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.
Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?
Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?
Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"
What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?
"Want me to pack your shit?"
Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
Angel: No. She didn’t twitch.
Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.
Angel: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.
Devil: She wants to scratch her face.
Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile...
Devil: How about a song?
Angel: Good idea!
Devil: How about... “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down....”🎶
Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!
Devil: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
Angel: Don’t be so mean!
Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”
Angel: Stop it!
Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
Angel: No, she didn’t.
Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
Angel: She didn’t screw anything up!
Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
Angel: That’s not how it works...
Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.
Angel: They know what they are doing!
Devil: ...And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
Angel: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this...
Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
Angel: Stop this right now!!
Devil: “Never going to give you up....🎶”
Angel: Stop!
Devil: “...never going let you down....🎶”
Angel: I’m not going to let you...
Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”
Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, I’m fine.....
The other day I lost all my crayons.
I just wish I had a shoulder to cray on.
Yo mama so ugly, she made the band One Direction go the other direction!
Two kids are out in the cold, with downpours of snow erupting from the clouds.
One of the kids says something: "Can we build a snowman that is going through puberty?"
The other kid says something else: "Yes. It sounds cool."
After a while, the snowman was finished, and some words jut out of the first kid's mouth: "Wow! Look at that snowman! It's got hair all over, but I think it's missing something though."
The other kid jumps a little and begins speaking: "Oh, I know what it is!"
After a while, a body part made of a carrot and two cucumbers appears on the snowman's crotch. It is a penis and a ballsack.
The first kid speaks: "Icy what you did there."
The other kid replies: "Good thing I didn't slip up there."
The first kid replies: "Well, that's snow problem."
The other kid then uttered this: "These puns would make the most frigid individual crack up."
The first kid then says: "I know, right?"
They then begin a snowball fight.
The other kid then says: "Only the men have snowballs!"
What did the Twin Towers say to each other?
Sorry if that offended anyone.
“I guess we are going down together!”
Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
What is the difference between a nerd and leafyishere?
One is fun to laugh at, bully, and roast, and the other is just a nerd.
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!