What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustation
What's the difference between a baby and an onion ?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
2 deer walk out of a gay bar one says to the other, i blew like 20 bucks in there
2 nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other "I'm-a cashew!"
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp"
Two priests are in a bar one says to the other priest Ill swap you 2 5 for a 10
I got an xbox achievement the other day. It said trash master, and everyone looked at me at the funeral
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
Last week I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a BALL. I wondered where it came from but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you Penaldo for almost killing me!
one man walks up to another and says hey did you here about the kidnapping at main street the guy says no the other guy says oh he woke up
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there. Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek Keep this SHIT between you and me
How is wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.
what did one brick say to the other. Never LEGO
I drove by the gun shop the other day and everything was half off for back to school.
My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle. So i went up a step and said "It's other Anakin I have the high ground!"
Why did the emo cross the road?
To not get to the other side.
