I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?
What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can't see their parents.
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
What did one copper say to the other? C U.
I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.
One depressed kid goes to high-five a tree, but the tree just left him hanging.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot. (Martin Luther King joke)
