One jokes

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

It's always fun to take anti-depressants, you either choose to take one, or the whole bottle.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?

What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

What did one copper say to the other? C U.

I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.

One depressed kid goes to high-five a tree, but the tree just left him hanging.