One jokes

This is how big cats were named.

"I HATE BIG CATS. THAT ONE IS A LIAR, THAT ONE IS A CHEATER. THE ONE IS A POO-MA."

"Lion. Cheetah. Puma. You're getting a promotion."

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

You should go soul searching. Maybe you'll find one.

Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.

“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”

“Why is that?”

“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”

If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"

What is the difference between women and cars?

At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

What’s the Difference Between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

How does Osama feed his child? "Here comes the airplane, here comes another one."

What do Call of Duty and Al-Qaeda goals have in common?

You’ve got to get more than one down.

If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.

Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?

A: "Hit me baby one more time."

Why do animators like Christianity?

Because Jesus was the one who invented T-Pose.

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

What are two plus sides to being an orphan?

1. All your snacks are family sized.

2. No one can make jokes about your mama.