One jokes

What's a woodpecker's favorite kind of jokes?

Knock knock ones.

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.

Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.

Students: Hiding under desk.

Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

People are like sharks; only the great ones are white.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

Your grandmother died because she fell on the highest floor of the hotel. Your grandfather died because he got shot while saving your mother. If he didn't save your mother, you wouldn't be here.

You grew up in a world full of viruses. You wanted the virus to be gone. There's only one way, but you have to know it. I can't tell it for you.

Your mother got Covid-19. You prayed and prayed all night, hoping that she would be okay. The next day, the doctors went to your house without your mother. You asked, "Where is my mother?!" The doctors said, "Your mother is gone, so we came here to tell you." The doctors left. Another hour, you were thinking while crying, "Why was my prayer not working? Lord, why'd you let me down?"

You searched on Google "How to bring back the dead." The Google workers declined it. Your father left you because he loved another girl. Your brothers are still with you, but what if they get the virus? Who will be with you?

Don't forget Jesus is still there for you. Don't give up, keep going, and you will succeed soon. You will find your own family and beat the coronavirus.

Two pedophiles are on a beach.

One says to the other, "Move over, you're in my sun!"

The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.

Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.

I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!

It's called "The Bad Batch File!"

What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?

One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

My sister said I'm stupid today, and she's the one who wrote this.

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?

(Stupid People)