One jokes
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.
Yo mama so fat that when the cashier at KFC asked her what size bucket she wants, she said "the one on the roof."
I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.
Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. That's why orphanages exist!
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
A man came up to a girl about to jump off a cliff. The man said, "Why?" She then replies, "There are many monsters in this world, and I am one of them."
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)
Morbius is definitely one of the movies ever made. One of the movies of all time.
When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.
Stop the cap.
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.
Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."
What did one condom say to the other condom as they were passing a gay bar? "Let's go get shit faced!"
There is a new kind of jock strap; it only holds one nut. It is called a Trump supporter.
Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.
I’d like to be a One Direction poster because I want to be nailed to the wall by a teenage girl ;)