me: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg, it's finally happening
me: *falls over*
girlfriend: the poison is kicking in
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton a CREEPYpasta (it’s my first one lol)
Whats the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H" but we all know what one we would like to do.
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”
What is worse than 16 babies in 16 dumpsters? One baby in 16 dumpsters.
Why was the stair case so sad? Because every one walks on them.
Some people ask why jokes exist, I say when a mommy and daddy love each other very much they have sex and they make another one of you
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
So Kenny finally found his one true love. But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.
One day a man was fixing a car, an he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like "dude, this can't be healthy." But he said "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice ...
What does one saggy boob Say to the other saggy boob
If we don’t get some support people Will think we are ball sacks....
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
You've probably heard this one before but screw it
What's the difference between jesus christ and the kid I just killed Jesus christ probably died a virign
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says "A beer please! and one for the road!"
One day a orphan bought a boomerang he threw it and it didn’t come back
Whats the difference batween an onion and a baby.
One makes you cry when you cut it up
Its embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down, lucky enough the super market is just round the corner.
Theres a kid named little Johnny who would always cuss. Well one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said "lets play a game". so the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. teacher says "A" little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself "well he might say something like a$$" so the teacher calls on sally. sally say "apple". the teacher says "B" little Johnny raises his hand. the teacher though "no he might say something like b!tch". so the teacher goes all the way to R. the teacher says "R" little Johnny raises his hand and say "me me please I really know one". then the teacher thinks to herself "well theres no cuss word that starts with R" so she said "ok Johnny give me a word that starts with R" little Johnny says "a rat!" and the teacher very pleased say "very good Johnny what type of rat" little Johnny says "A big gosh damn mother freaker". sorry I had to edit some word but y'all know what I meant.
One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, “Put a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.” But when the teacher marked Little Johnny's papers, she asked why he put the word bank in every slot. And he says, “Well teacher, you said to put a word from the word Bank and that's one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!”
