One jokes
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
Tumblr people: "There are an infinite amount of genders."
The cannibal kid: "Bitch, please. There's just one gender: Food."
A man walked into a zoo and there was only one dog.
He came out and said, "It was a shitzu."
One night my brother asked me, "Am I a pro gamer?" I said, "No, you're not a Pro-grammer."
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going to the airport, which one gets there first? The lesbian, duh, they get there "lickety-split."
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
What do you call a girl with only one leg? Eileen.
What about an Asian girl with only one leg? Irene.
What is Hawking's number one song? The Beach Boys: "I Get Around."
What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?
One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.
I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.
But one day I realized, they Israel.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Battery 1%.
I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.
On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.
Yo mama so fat, she broke Usain Bolt's 100 meter speed record by taking ONE STEP!
One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱
If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.
I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"
I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."
She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.
Hey, cobalt can't. But tin can ;)
Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!