One jokes
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!
Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.
I’m working on a good pun, but it makes no one laugh.
Why?
I don’t have a clue.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
What is the difference between the government and organized crime?
Only one of them is organized.
There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.
On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."
So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.
What's wrong with 89?
You blow me and I owe you one.
Are butt cheeks one word, or should I spread them apart?
What did one droplet say to the other?
"Water you thinking?"
I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!
It's called "The Bad Batch File!"
What did the window say to the door?
"What are you squeaking about? I'm the one with the panes!"
Get it?
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde girl?
One stops sucking when you smack it.
If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What's the difference between WW2 kamikaze planes and 9/11?
One of the missions succeeded.
What's bigger than Kurt Cobain's head?
What do you mean? He doesn't have one.
One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.
What do orphans and Trump supporters have in common?
No one likes them.