One jokes

What did one orphan say to the other one?

"Get in the Batmobile, Robin."

Do you know why no one speaks about George Washington?

John Adams turned him into atoms. John Adams was an alien.

If I had a dollar for every gender, I would only have one dollar because women are objects and men are superior.

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa Claus?

They're the ones that make the toys.

Two cunts are better than one, but one cunt is better than none.

Guy: Fight me on Xbox. Guy: Oh right, you don't have one *laughs*

Me: Fight me in real life. Me: Oh right, you don't have a real life. *INSERTS APPLE BOTTOM JEANS*

2021-2022

What's the difference between a humorous bully and a small van driver? One takes the Mickey, the other takes the Minnie.

What did one arm say to the other? "What is your address?"

What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?

One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.

I fucked your mom, oh wait, you don't have one.

What is the difference between a black man and Jew?

One was born burnt.

What do you call a cow that has two legs shorter on one side of its body compared to the other? LEAN BEEF!

Q: What did one atom say to the other?

A: I have my ion you.

Why did I give an orphan the iPhone X?

Because it is the first one without a home button.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby!

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."

His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"

Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.