What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
What is worse than 16 babies in 16 dumpsters? One baby in 16 dumpsters.
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
Why was the staircase so sad?
Because everyone walks on them.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
So Kenny finally found his one true love.
But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"
One day, an orphan bought a boomerang. He threw it, and it didn’t come back.
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.
