One jokes

What did one arm say to the other? "What is your address?"

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"

What did one droplet say to the other?

"Water you thinking?"

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

Three women walk into a bar and start talking about how loose they are. One fits a sausage, another fits a cucumber, the third one slides down the barstool.

My life, get it, 'cause I don't got one.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Together we can stop this shit."

What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?

S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?

Because if they slept with both legs up, they would fall over!

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

One volcano said, "Is that you, Qs? I am hot."

Two female mice met and one spoke:

"Yesterday I met a mouse. He was black, and he had wings, and he had some cool, sharp teeth. He said he only ate at night."

Other mouse: "Umm... that's a bat."

"That asshole! He told me that he is a pilot!"

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

That awkward moment you try to relate to Batman by killing your parents.

Two cows in a field.

One says to the other, "Mooooooo!"

The other says, "Tut, I was gonna say that!"