Now jokes

I kicked a ball at the kid in the wheelchair, and now we're playing Rocket League.

I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.

An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

"Spider-Man: No Way Home," know why he’s an orphan now?

One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.

So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.

Does it cycle now? 🚲

I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

—Shane Richie, British actor

I got shot once. Now I'm holey.

Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a bucket of water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.