Now jokes
Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
I kicked a ball at the kid in the wheelchair, and now we're playing Rocket League.
My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.
(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)
One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.
Does it cycle now? 🚲
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a bucket of water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
Hello everybody, now who here have watched Skurry?
Putin be like that boat is now a submarine!