Now jokes

The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.

"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"

Sally: "You..."

Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"

Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."

Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"

Johnny: "A pig."

Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "

Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"

A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.

PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂

It looks like Will Smith slapped your hairline so hard that the dinosaurs can see it now.

I used to look up to my mom, but now that I am 12, I look down on her.

"I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.

Last last, now everybody go chop breakfast.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

I was lip to lip yesterday, and now I can't get the cum out of my mouth.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

Why do orphans can't play baseball? They don't know where home is.

Judge: We shall now sentence you for the murder of your parents.

Accused: Please consider a lenient sentence, your honor.

Judge: But why?

Accused: Because I’m an orphan.

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

On a winter day many play.

Some with snow, and I with ice Used as a device to slice Somehow I'm colder now.

For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.

That’s unfair! Now the man only has 30 cents!

I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

An Asian man walks into a bar in Australia. The bartender says to him “why are you here? Get back in that wing wong country.”

The Asian man says “I’m here traveling and now I’m gonna attack you with my 40 gallons of fried rice I’ve had in my pocket since wa dinowar wages. #wingwong”

Why are orphans running around the world after the baseball coach said, "Go home"?

Because he didn’t know what the hell to do.