Not jokes

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

Your mom checked for your hairline, but she could not find it.

What's the difference between a gun and a penis?

The American government does not define you as having the constitutional right to a penis.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.

"It's not a war crime if you win the war."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

What chips are you not allowed to give to orphans?

Family size.

Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.

And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

Why could dinosaurs not talk? Because they were dead.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

A. Condoms have evolved. They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Bro, I saw two dudes kissing LOL, but not regular kissing.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

Two friends are arguing and one friend says, "Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs, ands, or buts about it."

And the other friend says, "Butt he is."

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.

He shouts “you stupid cunt!”

The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”

Dodi replies...:

“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”

Aloneness is not the joke, it's unfortunately my reality.