GOTTVERDAMMT, Hans! I said, "Glass of juice," not "Gas the Jews!"
Not Jokes
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)
James Bond: Vodka martini.
Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.
James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?
What does a baby and a grenade have in common?
They both make noise after you throw them.
I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.
I made a website for orphans; it does not have home pages, though.
Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
Why do you think after death the angel says do not be afraid?
Search up biblically accurate angels.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.
You can say he is not your type until you realize your type is not typing.
Guys, depression cannot be turned into a joke.
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Not 15, as my basement's still dark.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A. Condoms have evolved. They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.
And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"
Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.
I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.
She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."
Bro, I saw two dudes kissing LOL, but not regular kissing.
I would tell a Biden joke except everyone would not stop falling asleep (including him).
