Not jokes

Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.

Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.

There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

Why did the people in 9/11 not call 911? Because it would call the pilots.

If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.

Orphan jokes protest. Anonymous.

Orphan jokes are just funny so stop trying to ruin our fun!

Comments:

Gwen: Stop! It is not funny. Orphans are just out their cold, weak, and need someone! And the jokes are not funny!

Shut up: Shut up!

Liv: Gwen stop!!

Gwen: SHUT UP BITCH!!!!!!!!!

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

What do you call a German that can not see?

A Not-see.

Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Braille is not that hard to learn, you just got to have a feel for it.