Not Jokes

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

Why do more women than men oppose abortion? Because they prefer not to get raped.

Bet y'all did not know Kobe had blue eyes! One blew east and one blew west.

I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.

Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?

No, I'm blind.

Stop ruining my jokes.

Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?

It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.

Death

The top panel of the image shows a smiling blue character named Four with an adjacent character standing on a bench. Below this panel, there is text that reads, "Dying is not allowed." The bottom panel shows a live news report with a graph showing a sharp downward trend. At the bottom, the text reads, "BREAKING NEWS" and "DYING RATE DROPS TO 0%"

I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Why can’t orphans be criminals?

Because they’re not wanted!

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

Why can't an orphan get 5 stars in GTA? Because they are not wanted.

Why did the orphan cross the road? (Not to see his mom or dad.)

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.

Mommy, when will daddy come back?

I'm not your mom...

Me: Knock knock.

Orphan: Who's there?

Me: Not your family.

I went to the “lists of women” page on Wikipedia and it was blank.

Either, Wikipedia is proving women do not exist or John Cena decided to come out as transgender.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."