Not jokes

Why do pizzas not tell jokes?

They're too cheesy.

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

Orphan jokes are like families, not everyone gets 'em.

(Also, I banged ya mum ;))

I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.

Bet y'all did not know Kobe had blue eyes! One blew east and one blew west.

What does NASA stand for?

Not A Space Agency.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

Orphan: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

"White people can't jump..."

"You must not have seen the Twin Towers on 9/11."

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny.

Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants!

People say that Pakistan is a terrorist nation...

Guys, it's not true, even Osama bin Laden lived there peacefully for 6 years.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.

Why did the roster cross the road twice?

To prove it was not a chicken.

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."

"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"