Not jokes

Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they come back.

So there was this girl and her horse would not stop following her, so she said, "Stop horsing around!"

Get it? "Horse-ing."

Why did the orphan chase the family? Because he was jealous that he did not have a family.

What is the difference between an Isis training camp and a school?

Not sure, I just fly the drone.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not your parents.

Why did Steven Hawking go to hell, not heaven?

Because there is a stairway to heaven, but there is not one to hell.

A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?

John: I don't know.

Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Why is Newton not allowed to visit local farms?

The owners know that forces come in pears.

"Bippity Boppity, women are not property."

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

Mooooooo my secret is that it's pasture bedtime, but not pasture bedtime!

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.

They run and play along the streets of Gold.

Why is heaven such a doggie-delight...

Why, because there's not a single cat in sight.

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.