Not jokes

Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo.

Do not worry, I will be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.

Why did the orphan cross the road? (Not to see his mom or dad.)

Mommy, when will daddy come back?

I'm not your mom...

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

If the teacher tells you to stand up if you're not gay and there's that one kid in the wheelchair.

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.

There were 20 people in a box. There was not mushroom.

I can’t take credit for this joke; it’s not mine.

Remember that time Joe Biden fell off his bike? He said it’s not his fault. He blamed the tires for being too inflated.

Brendon, just shut up, no one was talking to you on the fucking joke! And my sis is not a female dog. If she was, then how the hell would she spell!

Slade must be WiFi... because I’m not feeling a CONNECTION.

Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

Why did half of the world not see Avengers: Endgame?

Because half of them were Thanos snapped in Avengers: Infinity War.

None of these are jokes... they're all facts!

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

Why did the little boy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms or legs.

What did the little boy get for Christmas? Cancer.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

Knock knock.....Who’s there... Not the little boy.

If Dusty's dad from Home Alone 2 was in NASA, how come he is not famous?