Not jokes
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
Why did half of the world not see Avengers: Endgame?
Because half of them were Thanos snapped in Avengers: Infinity War.
One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."
President Joe Biden was jogging through some different jogging paths around this great county we live in and was jogging through Alabama and fell off into a swamp filled with killer alligators, and these 3 boys named Willie, Roman, and Little Johnny saw him fall in and jumped in and drug him to safety, and the president was like "Thank you, thank you, thank you SOOO much. I'm gonna give you boys a reward for saving my life," and asks them what their names were and what they wanted. The first boy said, "My name's Willy, and I want to go to Disneyland," and the president said, "No problem, and I'll take you personally." The 2nd boy said, "My name's Roman, and I want an autographed pair of Air Jordan Nikes," and the president said, "No troubles at all," and the 3rd boy says, "My name's Little Johnny, and I want a power wheelchair with an awesome stereo and killer wheels," and the president says, "You don't look handicapped, Little Johnny," and Little Johnny said, "I'm not, but as soon as I tell my parents who I saved, I will be"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Checkmate
Charlene's hairline was so big that Joe Biden could not make it prime minister.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't f***ing matter, it's still not f***ing coming.
Twin: Hey twin, how's it going?
Twin 2: Weird, twin. Bye.
Twin: Not funny, dude.
It's not surprising there isn't a whole lot of good tree jokes.
Most foresters have a wooden personality.
What does my family and the Twin Towers have in common? We both played Jenga.
Why did Michael Jackson die?
Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.
POV: You're an orphan.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not your mom.
A, B, C, E, F, G. You smell like a baby. Maybe you should not be "Hati-ey."
Peyk 47 said that Kobe Bryant is not a legend, but he is.
"It's not a war crime if you win the war."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
I'm not saying you're stupid.
But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"
Coworker: Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Coworker: Not your parents.
Why is it okay to hit an orphan?
It's not like it can tell its parents.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
"That's not my name, but okay, that's cool. My name is Coco, but okay, and I already knew Jayden was a boy who is bi."