Not jokes

This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.

The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.

The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”

The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

Yo mama so fat Trump built a wall around her and not the border.

I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

Bligitty blot, bliggity blit,

You better not be talkin' shit. 🔫

Do orphans eat cereal with water?

Their dad did not come back with the milk.

A, B, C, E, F, G. You smell like a baby. Maybe you should not be "Hati-ey."

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

What is Hitler's favorite letter?

Not-Z.

Why does an orphan not play baseball?

Because they can’t find home.

There lived a jackal in a forest. He did not get the day's food, so he was very hungry and wandered throughout the forest, but could not find any food. Finally, he decided to go to the city. As he was walking into the city, he heard some dogs bark. Soon, he found a group of dogs running towards him, so he rushed into a nearby house which belonged to a dyer and fell into a tub filled with blue dye. The dogs that were chasing him returned back as they could not find him. The jackal came out blue from the tub and went into the forest. Every animal in the forest was frightened to see a new animal. The jackal realized that all animals were afraid of him and took advantage of the situation. He called the animals towards him. The jackal said, "Oh my dear friends, I have been sent by gods in heaven to protect you all. I will be the king of this jungle." All the animals became very happy. Everyday they served him food and took care of all his needs. They came to him with all their problems and listened to what their king said. One day as the king jackal was sitting by the court, he heard a pack of jackals howling in the forest. For a long time, he had not heard these voices. He felt very happy, forgetting he was the king, he howled back immediately. All the animals knew who he really was and started chasing him in anger, but the jackal was already on the run.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

What's the advantage of being a grade A paedophile? You know it's not period blood.

What do you call a nacho that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.

Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?

Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.

Yo mama's so fat, there's not enough yo mama's so fat jokes to tell how fat she is.

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

I gave an orphan an iPhone XR because it does not have a home button.