Not jokes

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.

This is my name: watersharky!

What does Marine stand for?

Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected.

What did Michael say to the boy in his room at sleepovers?

"You are not alone."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn't toot when you put meat in it.

Why did the skeleton not listen to the rules?

He was "bone tiba wild."

Bully: My mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.

Me: (quiet)

Bully: HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Me: Are you talking to yourself? Because I was listening to music until I heard you.

What do you call an Asian who gets a B?

It's not a B-sian.

Dead.

I was at the beach today, and there was a big wave.

Somebody went, "Damn, that crashed harder than the Twin Towers." Jack may have survived the towers, but not the crash.

Friend: Do you think she likes me?

Me: Yah.

Friend: Really😀😀😀?

Me: Hell no.

Friend: 😥😓😫😭😭😭😭😭😭 You did not have to be so honest.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Okay, okay, why [are] people askin[g] where I went[?] I[']m always on this website. Never think I[']m not.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not."

"Not who?"

"Not your dad."

What are a doctor's and a WWE fighter's ideas on child abuse?

Doctor's: Don't do it, it does not help. Mood behavior.

WWE fighters: If it can crawl, it can brawl.

The other day this duck came by the gas station. He asked the cashier, "Do you have any duck food here?"

The cashier said, "Hell naw, I got no damn duck food. This the gas station, not no damn swamp, and I ain't ya mama."

Then the duck asked him two more times, and then the cashier said, "For the last time, no, I don't have any duck food here for you, ok? If you ask me again, I will put you in the oven and deep-fry you like Kentucky Fried Chicken."

Dark humor is like water; not everyone gets it.

One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?

Ground Beef.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Dear Grad Parents,

Please pass the attached Commencement schedule on to your graduate(s). We ask that students arrive 15 minutes prior to their scheduled time and that they do not arrive early. Staff will greet the students outside the main entrance. Students may wear cap and gowns and/or formal wear.

There will be more information to follow in the coming days.

Thank you.

You take a plane from Australia. Your mom is American, your dad is British, and your brother (and you) is Canadian (well, because they traveled along many places). You are eating dinner, but you realized you were going to Europe.

You went sleepy, and you forgot your pet named "Strallia." But she could not go anyways, so you had to leave her. When you went to Europe, you were in the "COUNTRY-SIDE."

Q: Why is marriage not a word?

It's a life sentence!