Not jokes

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

Keep the planet clean. It's not Uranus.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

What do you do when your cat's not home?

Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.

Why would a protestant refuse to become a catholic?

Because a protestant is not a homosexual sodomite.

Q: What do you call a blind German man?

Q: A not-see (Nazi).

Q: Why can’t orphans be criminals?

A: They are not wanted.

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

Why do orphans not like cereal? Because their dad never came back with milk.

Why can't orphans go to Home Depot?

Because they do not have a home!

Why are orphans not boomerangs? Because they never come back.

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.