Not jokes

Keep the planet clean. It's not Uranus.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!

Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.

Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.

When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

What do you do when your cat's not home?

Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.

Why would a protestant refuse to become a catholic?

Because a protestant is not a homosexual sodomite.

Q: What do you call a blind German man?

Q: A not-see (Nazi).

Q: Why can’t orphans be criminals?

A: They are not wanted.

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.