Not Jokes

Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?

Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.

Brendon, just shut up, no one was talking to you on the fucking joke! And my sis is not a female dog. If she was, then how the hell would she spell!

Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Old lady.

Old lady who?

I did not know you could yodel!

So there was this girl and her horse would not stop following her, so she said, "Stop horsing around!"

Get it? "Horse-ing."

My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

So I said, "But which one?"

Like if this is relatable

The image shows E.T. with a slightly cross-eyed expression. The text above him reads, "When your mom tells you not to touch anything in the store."

One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.

If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?

Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?

Because he was too stuffed.

A blind kid accidentally touches the emo kid's wrist and says, "I'm not reading all of that!"

Me: "You wanna see my dad?"

Some kid: "Yeah?"

Me: "Close your eyes and he will appear."

Some kid: "He ain't appearing."

Me: "Sorry I thought he would appear for you. He won't appear for me."

*The kid laughs*

Moral: Not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on. 🙃

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"