Not jokes

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not Susie!"

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."

I was submitting this joke, and I realized Stephen Hawking couldn't.

It had the reCAPTCHA "I'm not a robot."

Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.

Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.

Years later:

Dad still did not come back.

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

"It's an elevator, not a lift!"

and

"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."

Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.

Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

Q: Why is marriage not a word?

It's a life sentence!

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?

Because their dad never came back with milk.

9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.