Not jokes

Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Yeah.

(Not Original Joke)

What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?

A KIDNey!

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he got hit by a truck.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, I'm not a poo, you're a poo.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.

God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not Susie!"

Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.

Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.

Years later:

Dad still did not come back.

I was submitting this joke, and I realized Stephen Hawking couldn't.

It had the reCAPTCHA "I'm not a robot."

If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

What is a victimless crime in the state of Michigan if you are an able-bodied man who is well-endowed, not white, and not a heterosexual male?

A white male who is heterosexual and physically disabled who is sodomized by an able-bodied and well-endowed gay male who is not white inside the men's locker room at the gym.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead because of you.

Actually, not because of you... because of your face.

Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.