Not jokes

Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

What does an iPhone have that orphans do not?

Home buttons.

Why was the emo mad?

The picture got hung, not her.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

What do Monica and Bill Clinton have in common? They both did not inhale. Lol.

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

What did the cell say when it was dividing?

"It's not you, it's me."

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.

Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.

Rules of dark humor.

1. Everything shall be touched.

2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.

Not all cat puns are purr-fect; some just have their claws.

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

What did one plane say to the other?

"It’s been a long day, I’m ready to crash."

Other plane: "No you’re not, we haven’t even gotten high yet!"

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

Why didn't the bear leave home?

He could not bear leaving his family.

What is a guide dog 🐶 that cannot walk? A useless guide 🐶.

You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?

Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.