I'm deaf. My deaf ex-wife cheated on me with a guy who I met on a deaf social trip who was also deaf. I guess I didn't see the signs at the time.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.
Donald faced the other four and orders:
"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."
Tony jumps off.
"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."
Francis jumps off.
Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."
Hillary jumps off.
Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."
Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"
Why don’t Belgians eat shit sandwiches?
They don’t fancy bread!
Don't be sad, because that's das backwards and das not good.
What's your favorite place that orphans can't go to?
Home.
What do bubbles get when they’re sick?
The suds.
Who discovered Africa? Africos Nandos.
Which country is next to the USA? USB.
What’s the difference between 1000 used tiers and 1000 used condoms?
Ones a good year and ones a great year
What’s the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair.
What’s black and sits on top of the stairs? Christopher reeves in a house fire.
The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.
There once was a commie called Ed. Usually known as Ned. He went to bed, Got shot in the head, Unfortunately now he was dead.
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted somebody to call daddy
Person: Where's your mom and dad?
Orphan: :(
I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.
Kid: "I fucked your mom."
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
What do the fork say the the cake? A: I wanna piece of you
A redhead, a dark-haired woman, and a blonde walk into a bar and agree to fly to the sun!
The blonde states, "I agree, let's leave at night!"
